


in secretum

by xenoglossia (oncharredwings)



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cheating, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gaslighting, Lawyer Adam, Lies, M/M, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:07:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27609431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/xenoglossia
Summary: 10 years ago, Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish broke up. They vowed to never see each other again, avoiding even social interactions between shared friends. That is until they both end up in the same city and reconnect. The only problem with old flames is Ronan is currently in a relationship - with Joseph Kavinsky.
Relationships: Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 13
Kudos: 24





	in secretum

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hargrave](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hargrave/gifts).



> I haven't written a fic in a very long time but my good friend Har as gotten into The Raven Cycle recently and my brain self combusted, so here we are. This is highly indulgent and I don't give a fuck what anyone says about it lol 
> 
> Be wary of the tags and know that this is not at all a healthy depiction of either pynch or rovinsky *shrugs*

The bookshop is a good place to weather out a sudden storm which opened up the sky without much warning. _Strange for this area_ , someone was whispering as he hurried inside. Now, fifteen minutes, one Starbucks coffee, and one possible interesting book later, Adam Parrish is browsing the stacks casually. He hasn’t been in a bookstore in too long and it’s nice to look over the titles and lose himself in the various offerings.

There are a few titles he makes note of mentally, knowing he won’t remember them later and his phone is in the messenger bag slung over his hip. He ends up setting the book he’s been carrying around back on a random shelf, and he’s just around the corner when he almost runs into a dark figure.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” he says in a hurry, uncaring if his accent slips out or not.

The man in front of him luckily does not collide into him and Adam’s coffee does not spill on either himself or the stranger. The man wears all black and looking slowly upward from combat boots, to ripped black jeans, and a black t-shirt, black leather jacket combo, Adam’s eyes snake to a tattooed neck and familiar hooks slipping up from under the fabric of the man’s clothing. He shifts then to the chiseled jawline, sharp like glass, and then to pouty lips and a hawk like nose, and finally rest in a familiar ocean.

An ocean he has not waded in for ten years.

But the ocean is still the same turbulent waters.

“Mind watching where you’re walking, hot shot?” the man says, voice deep and sending a shiver down Adam’s spine.

Yes, this is the same boy, now a man, he has not seen in a decade. Adam gulps and finally says his name out loud, wondering if Ronan no longer recognizes him; of course, where once he stood a dusty boy of poverty, he’s now in a fitted custom suit... Perhaps, he’s changed more than he realizes.

“Ronan?” he finally manages to say, his voice sounding stuck in his throat. “Is that you?”

Ronan blinks and looks at him with squinting eyes. “ _Parrish_?”

Adam nods after a brief sense of shock running down his spine. “Yes,” he says. “Wow, I... I can’t believe you’re _here_?”

“In the bookstore?” Ronan asks.

Adam laughs. “No, on the west coast. This seems... very much not like you.”  
  
Ronan lets out a soft laugh and rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah, it’s new. We just moved here a month or so ago. How long have you been here?”

“Not long,” Adam admits. “I accepted a job out here at a good lawfirm... so here I am.”

Ronan hums and then the awkwardness hits them. The silence where neither of them know what to say because time has gone on so long without speaking. Adam debates on whether or not he should just walk away but he doesn’t want to hurry off like a wounded creature.

“You look good,” Adam finally says which does make Ronan’s ears turn pink.

“Thanks, you too... Nice suit.” Ronan gestures to his outfit and Adam notes his hands are tattooed now, too. He can’t help but wonder how much of Ronan contains ink now.

“Thank you... I guess I should get going but it was good to see you.”

“Yeah,” Ronan agrees but they do not meet eyes again.

Adam turns and does flee then. The bookstore blurs around in his vision as he winds his way back to the front door and bursts out into the cooler air. The rain has stopped and he’s free to keep on walking which he does, trying not to burst into a run. Chest tight, anxiety peaking, Adam walks quickly down the sidewalk to the next inersection where he waits with a group of people to cross.

Ronan Lynch.

Here.

He’d traveled across the country to accept a job which paid more than his previous one, and to escape memories of Ronan Lynch but somehow Ronan had found him out here, too. He glances up at the sky because how could fate be so cruel. What did it mean that he was seeing his ex again for the first time in ten years?

Especially now when he’s in a relationship with his college sweetheart?

“Fuck,” he whispers while standing there, feeling sick to his stomach.

Meeting Ronan had been an accident but his mind swirling with old thoughts is not; his subconscious quickly fills with memories of summer days resting under large trees on Ronan’s family property, hazy nights kissing surrounded by fireflies, chasing after Welsh kings, doing 90mph on the freeway in Ronan’s BMW.

Henrietta.

Adam closes his eyes and fights back emotions he hasn’t felt in a decade before he feels the group move and he has no choice but to move with them.

Ronan may live here now but the city is big and this was only a coincidence. Ronan is from his past, belonging to a broken boy who did not know himself. Ronan is not his present nor will he be the future.

Adam tells himself so but there is an inkling in the back of his mind which doesn’t believe so easily.

\---

Adam fucking Parrish.

Ronan Lynch finds his mind swirling at a million miles an hour after Adam flees the bookstore, leaving him blindsided and raw. He reaches up to steady his body on the bookshelf while he tries to recover from the interaction he had not expected.

His hands shake a little as he pulls his phone free to send a text to Gansey, anger filling his chest, and threatening to rise out as an explesitive - maybe ten.

_why didn’t you tell me adam was living on the west coast?? don’t say you didn’t know, he tells you everything_

He shoves his phone away again and leaves the bookstore, turning the opposite direction Adam had gone. He walks with a strong purpose, the kind of stride people flee from, hands shoved in his pockets. His body moves but his mind feels stagnant, hung up on a boy he hasn’t seen in ten goddamn years.

Ten years.

Ten years without Adam Parrish in his life which to an eighteen year old boy had felt impossible but he’s almost thirty and he knows reality is very different from the fantasy of a sunburnt teen. Regardless, frustrated tears fill his eyes and he wipes them away in rage. He walks and walks until he comes to a place he had not consciously chosen to storm to but here he stands.

Ronan looks up at the sign, Inkoded.

There isn’t a line outside for once but the lobby looks busy. Regardless, Ronan opens the door and steps into the cool air of the shop, eager to remove himself from the oppressive sun now finally deciding to bear down on the city. There are many people sitting around the lobby of the shop, waiting on tattoos, waiting on piercings, probably hoping to catch a glimpse of the famous Joseph Kavinsky even though Ronan knwos he’s probably upstairs in his office.

One of the girls behind the counter smiles at him because she knows who he is and she gestures to the ceiling. K is upstairs. Ronan nods and no one bats an eye as he moves to the back and makes his way to the stairs that lead to the second story. He goes down the hall to Kavinsky’s office, hoping he’s not in the middle of inking someome but he supposes if he were, the receptionist would have advised him to wait.

The door is ajar and he can hear some of K’s EMD floating through the hallway. Ronan slowly pushes the door the rest of the way open and he spots K lounging on a velvet chaise, eyes closed, probably thinking up a tattoo design.

“K?”

Kavinsky’s eyes fly open and he looks over at Ronan for a moment before a smile slithers onto his face. “Hey,” he says but then the smile fades from something he sees on Ronan’s face. K sits up. “What’s wrong?”

“Uh... I...” Ronan trails off, unsure how to tell Kavinsky he ran into Adam Parrish just now - his ex - but he knows he shouldn’t hide it. Besides, there’s nothing to hide. He didn’t _ask_ Adam to move out here and he didn’t ask Adam to run into him at the bookstore.

“Ronan?”

“You won’t believe who I ran into just now,” Ronan finally says.

“Who? You got a boner for a celebrity I don’t know about?”

“No... uh, think high school.”

Kavinsky’s eyes narrow in thought but eventually he shrugs. “I have no clue.”

“Parrish- uh, Adam Parrish,” he fumbles. The words sound dirty on his tongue and he wonders if Kavinsky can hear the guilt in his voice. _You barely spoke to him, it’s not like you offered the guy a hand job, it’s not that big of a deal. Relax._

“Adam?” Kavinsky says the name like he means so much more than just his name; _you mean the boy you loved? The boy who left you?_

Ronan nods.

“Your Adam?”

_His_ Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam.

Ronan’s head spins. “Uh, my ex, yeah. Can you believe it? He’s moved here recently. Weird, huh?”

“Small world,” Kavinsky says but there is a primal fear in K’s eye which Ronan can see plain as day.

“It’s no big deal.” He’s unsure if he’s reassuring himself or Kavinsky. “I doubt I’ll see him again, you know? City’s pretty big, it was just so weird... I wanted to tell you.”

Kavinsky nods. “Well, okay... Is that why you came?”

“I guess, yeah.”

There is another pregnant pause and again Ronan feels a little awkward. He’d walked all the way here to tell K he’d seen his ex and he’s sure K finds that weird because it fucking is weird. He coughs and looks down, hoping he looks innocent enough.

“I didn’t want you to think i was hiding anything,” Ronan says after a moment.

“I appreciate you telling me.” Kavinsky stands and stretches before crossing the room to shove his cold gremlin hands up Ronan’s shirt to touch his skin. A grin pulls at K’s cheeks and Ronan struggles to back away but they’re both soon laughing and he wraps his arms around K instead.

“Do you work until close?”

“I’ll be home by eight,” Kavinsky replies. “You going home now?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Be safe.”

Ronan snorts and kisses K once on the mouth. “I remember when you would have just told me to fuck off.”

“Well, we’ve both changed, haven’t we?”

They have changed.

Ronan nods, kissing Kavinsky one more time before he extricates himself from K’s arms and starts to leave so Kavinsky can work. His mind still swirls with thoughts of a freckled beautiful boy from his past. Adam reminds him so fondly of Henrietta; the summer heat, the dew on the grass in the fields of the Barns, a mad hunt for a sleeping King...

Dreaming.

Ronan runs a hand over his face as he collects himself in the hallway.

He can’t remember the last time he stepped in his dream space. He can’t remember the last time he pulled a dream object from his head. Being away from Henrietta, dreaming is a lot harder. He can still do it - it’s easier with K around - but it’s not the same. The magic out here isn’t the same.

Nothing is the same.

The walk back to the house feels too long and too hot. All of the people, the concrete, the traffic, the _noise_. He hates it here but he moved for Kavinsky; what he does for love. Kavinsky, a hot shot tattoo artist, finally landing a chance to basically run his own shop. He can still remember Kavinsky’s face lighting up when he’d recieved the news but then he’d had to tell Ronan it was on the West coast.

In LA.

A place Ronan had never been and Kavinsky only dreamed of living in.

He’d agreed, of course, because what the hell was going to do with his life? K was the breadwinner and they both had enough money he didn’t have to work. No, he focuses on his art and trying not to go completely insane being away from what he’s used to. The country boy in the city and he feels like a fish out of water.

LA agrees with Kavinsky - the weather, the people, the atmosphere. He fits in here like a puzzle piece finally slotted into the correct puzzle.

LA does not agree with Ronan - the weather is too hot, the people are too loud and eccentric, the atmosphere is too clustered.

He wants _air_.

Grass beneath his bare toes.

The softness of his Virginia farm. The dreamscape of the Barns. The cows softly mooing in the field, the birds calling to one another, the smell of _earth_ and _life._

There is none of that here in LA.

By the time he reaches the house, Ronan is tired but he knows as soon as he lays down his mind will immediately seize and he won’t be able to sleep. Ronan shuts the door and leans back against it for a moment, eyes closed to collect his thoughts.

The house is too quiet without Kavinsky so Ronan crosses the room to turn some music on. The house is still full of boxes to unpack but instead of unpacking, Ronan flops onto the couch, and opens his phone. His brain remains hanging on Adam so his fingers work before he can stop them.

Facebook app. Open. Search. Adam Parrish. Profile located.

Ronan clicks on Adam’s profile before he can think twice. Adam’s profile picture is a photo of him smiling and posing with a man he doesn’t recognize. They’re standing close with some scenic mountains behind them. He slowly scrolls down and notes the following

\- Location: Los Angeles

\- Work Place: Grayson Law

\- Relationship Status: In a relationship with Nick Harris

Ronan freezes on the last bit and feels his palms sweat. Adam is in a relationship which Ronan shouldn’t be surprised by since not only has it been ten yeras but Adam is still an extremely good looking guy.

Plus, Adam is not the only one with a partner.

Add friend.

The button taunts him and he hovers over the temptation with barely anything holding him back. Would it be weird to add Adam on social media? Probably about as weird as it is to look up an ex on social media after a chance run-in at the local bookstore.

_Don’t_.

The words are his own but also someone else’s even if he isn’t sure who they belong to in his mind. Gansey? No, Gansey would be elated if they were together again. Kavinsky? Maybe; he’s not sure K would like it if he became friends with Adam again. Blue? Also maybe because after all this time, she and K are good friends despite Gansey’s chagrin. Declan’s? Another possibility. Declan doesn’t want to see him hurt again.

He closes the app and shrugs the desires away. He seriously doubts Adam wants anything to do with him; he couldn’t leave the bookstore fast enough.

Besides, he’s happy with Kavinsky. He _loves_ Kavinsky. As soon as he thinks the words, he pulls open the gallery on his phone and casually flips through the many photos they’ve taken together over the years, smiling at stupid memories long forgotten but forever memorialized; K smiling at the beach, sunburnt to shit, Ronan in a similar state. Another photo of when Kavinsky had come home with a baby kitten - they’d named her Whiny Bitch - but she’d not made it through the first month they’d had her. He can still remember how much Kavinsky cried.

So many memories.

He closes the photos and opens up the text conversations he has with Kavinsky. So many stupid things they’ve sent one another but also deep messages of love, sometimes fights and greivences.

But they come back to each other always.

_I love you_

He doesn’t wait for K to reply back, instead setting his phone down and deciding to dive into editing work on his latest batch of photos. The showing is in two weeks and he really needs to finish final edits and preparation for the show. He has a printing spot next week but the photos need to be large print ready.

His phone goes off but he ignores it, grabbing his headphones so he can try to focus. Of course, he already knows it’ll take him hours what most people his caliber could do in minutes but ADHD brain doesn’t always cooperate.

Especially when as soon as he opens his photos to edit them on the computer his mind flips to the Adam channel.

Adam Parrish - beautiful Adam Parrish. No longer a boy but a man. Grown up and wearing expensive suits and shoes. Working for a famous law firm. Probably making six figures a year. In a relationship. In a relationship. In a relationship. In a relationship. In a relationship. In a relationship.

His Adam.

His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam. His Adam.

_His Adam._

Why had Kavinsky said it that way?

Why was God testing him _this way_?

Why couldn’t he just be happy with what he has?

Ronan looks over at the black brick of his phone resting on the coffee table and he leaps up, going past Kavinsky’s texts, and right into the Facebook app.

Add Friend.

Done.

He’s added Adam to his friends list.

Stupid.

Take it back.

No.

Read Kavinsky’s messages.

No.

He locks his phone and goes back to the desk to sit and glare with frustration at some photos.

_bzz_

Ronan glances at his phone and sees the message come across his notifs. His stomach leaps and does a fucking backflip.

_Adam Parrish is now your friend! Send him a message!_

“Oh my God,” he whispers. “Fuck.”

Ronan shuts off his phone completely. He has to work. Adam can wait. Swallowing a lump in his throat, Ronan turns his attention back to his editing work to finally try and focus.

\--

Ronan Lynch will not leave his mind.

They added each other on Facebook five days ago but he hasn’t heard anything sense. Adam tried to talk himself into messaging Ronan last night but he’d manage to talk himself out of doing it.

Five days.

Is five days too long to bother starting a conversation now? He’s definitely become acquainted with Ronan’s profile - his photos, his location, his posts - and he’s even commented on a few of the photos Ronan’s taken.

It’s almost eight and Adam is pouring over notes for a case while he picks at Thai takeout but his mind is fueled with thoughts of Ronan. He opens up Facebook and finds Ronan’s profile again. His finger wavers over the message button until he just decides to do it.

Before he can change his mind.

Type.

Send.

_Hey it was wild running into you the other day. Can’t believe the world is that small lol_

Probably a stupid opener but it’s better than the goddamn nothing they have now.

**Yeah, it was pretty crazy**

Shit.

Ronan’s online and he saw the message. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. He thought he would have more time but clearly Ronan can see him viewing the fucking message. Read receipts are the creation of the Devil.

_Sorry, maybe I should have reached out sooner than just now. I’m not catching you at a bad time am I?_

**No**

**I wasn’t sure if I should message first**

_Yeah... It’s stupid lol we’re grown adults, it’s not high school anymore. Sorry. How are you?_

It feelts odd to have a casual conversation with his ex; not just any ex, too, Adam’s had many exes from college but Ronan is different. Ronan is the capital E-Ex, the Ex which probably stemmed all of his future relationships and consequential exes after him.

**Just working on some photos, I have to prepare for a gallery show in two weeks**

_Wow, really? Your photos are so beautiful, I saw the ones you post... and your website. You’re so talented, Ronan. I mean you were talented before but you’ve developed so much as an artist_

**thank you**

_Do you sell prints?_

**I’ll have prints at the gallery for purchase and some originals**

_When is it? I would love to come - oh, I’m sorry, did I just invite myself?_

**You want to come?**

**_I would love to come. When and where?_ **

**October 13th at The Collective in downtown LA I’d love for you to come. The opening starts at 5p**

_I will be there._

Adam immediately makes a note in his calendar, making sure to clear that day with work as well. October 13 is only two weeks away and his heart beats a little faster knowing he’s going to see Ronan’s work in an art gallery. Amazing.

**Cool**

_How is your family?_

**My family is good last I checked lol Declan is seeing some older man, Matthew is off in Europe, backpacking with friends, Mom is at the Barns**

_Do you miss them?_

A stupid question, Adam immediately regrets asking. Of course Ronan would miss his family.

_Dumb question, sorry_

**Lol it’s okay, yeah I miss them... I miss a lot of things actually**

**But anyway, uh, what are you up to?**

_I’m just sitting here, pouring over work notes, tired as hell but I need to finish this tonight or I’m going to be reamed tomorrow. But that’s why they pay me the big bucks I guess_

**You need to unwind more I bet**

_Probably_

**Workaholic Adam Parrish... Somehow, I am not shocked at all. you were always the most hard working guy I knew in school**

Adam blushes and runs a hand over the back of his neck. He wants to point out taht he _had_ to work hard; he didn’t have things handed to him but Ronan didn’t ask to be morn with a twenty-three million dollar trust-fund bequeathed to him by his deceased father. Gansey hadn’t asked to be born into old money and probably be worth more than some of the largest companies in the world. Hell, even Kavinsky hadn’t asked to be born the son of a mobster.

Or so the rumors say.

He wonders if that’s true.

_Yeah, I kinda had to be lol_

_Hey, weird question but it just occured to me. Is Kavinsky’s dad really a mob boss?_

Maybe it’s inappropriate to ask and maybe Ronan doesn’t even know the answer but he’s definitely curious.

**LOL man I dare you to ask that to his face lol jk don’t ask him that he’d probably punch you... idk man I just know his dad is a piece of shit and was awful to him... but idk if he was a mob boss lol**

_His dad was awful to him?_

**Yeah... guys have a lot more in common than you realize Parrish**

Adam winces as he’s reminded of his own father but Ronan didn’t mean it the way it sounded, he’s sure. He never gave Kavinsky a chance and part of him doesn’t want to now either... but Ronan’s with him now, so he supposes he should _try_.

_How long have you guys been together?_

**Almost 8 years**

Eight years.

He hadn’t expected such a long time. Adam tries to calculate and remember the timeline. He’d broken up with Ronan right before going to Harvard for undergrad. They’d been eighteen then and now he’s going to be twenty-nine soon. Meaning Ronan’s been with Kavinsky since he was at least twenty.

_Wow that’s a long time_

**Yeah I love him**

_I’m glad... Maybe we could all meet up sometime. I’d like to get to know him this time around_

There is a long pause where Ronan stops typing and Adam’s anxiety builds. Maybe Ronan doesn’t want to meet in person again or maybe he doesn’t want him anywhere near his relationship with Kavinsky. _stupid Parrish, you have ot stop just assuming-_

**You really want to meet up?**

_I’d like that yes. Not right now just in general... sometime soon... before your gallery opening lol_

**I’ll talk to him**

Adam smiles at his screen wide enough to feel his dimples pull. He covers his mouth but the smile doesn’t go away. He’s going to talk to Ronan in person.

_Okay that sounds great... I should probably finish work_

**Yeah I should finish mine too**

_okay... talk to you soon? Um, I still have your number, is it okay to text you there?_

Another long pause. Maybe he should have just asked Ronan for the number he already had to pretend he didn’t have it anymore.

**yes**

_okay_

Adam takes a deep breath and smiles wide all over again. He shoots Ronan simple ‘It’s Adam’ text and then dives back into his work.

Ronan Lynch.

Ronan Lynch.

Adam shuts his eyes and feels warmth flood over him like the sun in Cabeswater. In his mind’s eye he’s seventeen again and lying on the floor of Ronan’s room while they listen to music, hands and fingers linked together, the sun dappling through the tree outside of Ronan’s window. Everything is peaceful and still in the house.

They are free.

They are in love.

Adam swallows a lump in his throat and feels sirens go off in his head like alarm bells. He’s in a relationship and so is Ronan; this is just a rekindling of friendship and nothing more.

Nothing more.

_No_ , comes a quiet whisper in his ear. _You want more._

Yes.

He wants more.


End file.
